I still love my students. But just like any parental figure, I don't like them very much at the moment.
I know that every year of teaching brings its own challenges, joys, and surprises. But I must say that the past few weeks have caught me completely off guard. Last year I had one class that I felt was a little "out of control". I had 3 or 4 students that just didn't want to do any work, and would be obnoxious from time to time when they were bored or pissed off. This year, every single one of my classes has those 3 or 4 students. But they're obnoxious all the time. They tell me I'm stupid, that they don't respect me. They talk over me, they talk back to me. They laugh at me.
Here's where I rant for a couple paragraphs, and hope that those who don't understand why teachers leave the profession in such large numbers are listening.
If I thought that every year was going to be like this one, I would leave too. I never thought I would think that, much less admit it. I love teaching. I eat, breathe, live it. It's what nourishes my soul and gives my life meaning. But I haven't been able to do much teaching this year. I would call it more "babysitting" than anything else. It's the luck of the draw. Last year, I got a bunch of students who wanted to be in my class, or if they didn't, were at least respectful enough to participate. This year, I got.....well, I got a bunch of little shits. There, I said it.
When I ask for support from admin, I get the answer, "Just keep writing them up". Then, when I write them up, the referral inevitably gets sent back to me because I haven't "done enough" on my end to warrant punishment. As in, calling home repeatedly and getting yelled at by indifferent or downright hostile parents, conferencing with a student who could give two shits about what I'm saying, or any number of futile efforts to reclaim control over my classroom environment.
I want to be a positive teacher. I want to love what I'm doing, to at least feel like it's worth the effort I'm putting into it. I feel myself talking more negatively about my students/profession than I did before. I feel horrible about it.
More than anything, I'm angry.
I'm angry that I'm expected to put up with horrible behavior by students who don't want to be at school, and hamper the efforts of other students trying to learn.
I'm angry that budget cuts mean that my classes are each at least 6 students over capacity and maintaining order becomes increasingly difficult with the tension that creates between students.
I'm angry that I have to justify and feel guilty about my requests to have violent, emotionally disturbed students removed from a class where they have free access to knives and fire.
I'm angry that public education has devolved into a dog and pony show where we're expected to perform miracles on kids who made it to high school on a 3rd grade reading level and no logical thinking skills.
But most of all, I'm angry that I can't do a goddamn thing about it. I'm now a part of this system, and if I want to make a difference I've got to learn to emotionally separate myself from the things I can't change. Little shits will be little shits.
