The honeymoon is over, but that's okay.

I still love my students. But just like any parental figure, I don't like them very much at the moment.

I know that every year of teaching brings its own challenges, joys, and surprises. But I must say that the past few weeks have caught me completely off guard. Last year I had one class that I felt was a little "out of control". I had 3 or 4 students that just didn't want to do any work, and would be obnoxious from time to time when they were bored or pissed off. This year, every single one of my classes has those 3 or 4 students. But they're obnoxious all the time. They tell me I'm stupid, that they don't respect me. They talk over me, they talk back to me. They laugh at me.

Here's where I rant for a couple paragraphs, and hope that those who don't understand why teachers leave the profession in such large numbers are listening.

If I thought that every year was going to be like this one, I would leave too. I never thought I would think that, much less admit it. I love teaching. I eat, breathe, live it. It's what nourishes my soul and gives my life meaning. But I haven't been able to do much teaching this year. I would call it more "babysitting" than anything else. It's the luck of the draw. Last year, I got a bunch of students who wanted to be in my class, or if they didn't, were at least respectful enough to participate. This year, I got.....well, I got a bunch of little shits. There, I said it.

When I ask for support from admin, I get the answer, "Just keep writing them up". Then, when I write them up, the referral inevitably gets sent back to me because I haven't "done enough" on my end to warrant punishment. As in, calling home repeatedly and getting yelled at by indifferent or downright hostile parents, conferencing with a student who could give two shits about what I'm saying, or any number of futile efforts to reclaim control over my classroom environment.

I want to be a positive teacher. I want to love what I'm doing, to at least feel like it's worth the effort I'm putting into it. I feel myself talking more negatively about my students/profession than I did before. I feel horrible about it.

More than anything, I'm angry.

I'm angry that I'm expected to put up with horrible behavior by students who don't want to be at school, and hamper the efforts of other students trying to learn.

I'm angry that budget cuts mean that my classes are each at least 6 students over capacity and maintaining order becomes increasingly difficult with the tension that creates between students.

I'm angry that I have to justify and feel guilty about my requests to have violent, emotionally disturbed students removed from a class where they have free access to knives and fire.

I'm angry that public education has devolved into a dog and pony show where we're expected to perform miracles on kids who made it to high school on a 3rd grade reading level and no logical thinking skills.

But most of all, I'm angry that I can't do a goddamn thing about it. I'm now a part of this system, and if I want to make a difference I've got to learn to emotionally separate myself from the things I can't change. Little shits will be little shits.

It gets better.

What a difference a year makes. This time last year, I felt like I was barely holding my head above water. I was desperately trying to figure out rules and procedures, and trying to figure out my own identity as a teacher and role model.
About three weeks before school started this year, I started to get nervous. What if I just got lucky last year? What if my new bunch of kiddos thought I was a total weirdo? What if my kids from last year forgot about me?
When I walked in the door on the first day, I was greeted by a familiar sight. It was my little gang of students, waiting outside the double doors that lead to my hallway waiting for me to open it. In they came, telling me all about their summer, hugs all around, like we never missed a beat. It was the best feeling in the whole wide world infinity plus one.
When it came time for class, it was bizarre to see all of these unfamiliar faces fill the seats. Somehow my mind had still not accepted that my kids weren't mine anymore. Instead, they were walking into the classroom across the hall: Culinary! They were all grown up, leaving the proverbial nest, spreading their wings.
But it turns out my new batch is amazing. I can already see the big personalities: the class clown, the tough guy, the future chef, the athlete just looking to "get swole".
I also have a new population added to my class. The SPED department decided that the autistic kids would benefit greatly from my class, partly because of the material, but also because they thought the kids would thrive in my unique classroom dynamic. I'm super flattered that they thought that, and I must say that even though I didn't really know what to expect, I'm already blown away by all of them. I think they're going to teach me more this year than I could ever teach them!
Tonight, going into my much needed three day weekend, I will revel in this realization: Every year of teaching just gets better. Building relationships, building curriculum, building confidence.

Oh, and P.S....only two of my students came back pregnant!

My Very Own Corner of the World

Wow! Where has the time gone? It seems like just yesterday I was figuring out how I was going to fill up the first day and not make a total ass of myself.
Over the past nine months, my classroom has become a living, breathing thing. The best feeling I've ever had is looking around my room to see a dozen kids just hanging out; I know they feel safe, accepted, loved, and appreciated the minute they step through my doorway.
My kiddos have taught me so much this year. So many of my students face seemingly insurmountable challenges on a daily basis, but somehow it never breaks their spirit. They are so giving, so witty, so incredibly intelligent, even if sometimes they don't realize it.

Tonight was the annual talent show, of which I was asked to be a judge. I had the time of my life. I got to see a bunch of my kids show the world what they love to do, and I was really impressed!! One of my students in particular really blew me away. This student and I have had our ups and downs, at one point I really didn't think we would ever be close again because I had to lay down some serious "tough love". But amazingly, she seems to be getting back on the right track including mending some of her "burnt bridges".
She sang a song which she wrote herself, and the lyrics were awe inspiring. She sang about coming from a small world, of not knowing fear until faced with judgment from those who didn't understand her. It's easy to put someone in a box, to pretend like you understand how they think and react to things. But sometimes the only way a person can truly express themselves is through their art. I've never heard her articulate her thoughts so clearly or so passionately, and I have never felt so proud of anyone in my whole life. It felt like I was watching my own daughter pour her heart out right in front of me.

At the end of the show, "the teachers" performed. It's a group of teachers that have a totally kick ass band, and they're actually pretty good!
I looked around at everyone dancing and singing and was completely humbled. Our little melting pot of staff, students and community- gay, straight, trans, teenage mothers, freaks, geeks, and every color and creed. My little classroom organism couldn't survive without this bigger community supporting it. When people talk about schools, they see them as buildings that are succeeding or failing. What gets lost with this view is the community that keeps the students coming back day after day. I've never felt so at home, or had such a feeling of purpose until I found this community. I'm usually full of snark and dark humor, but not today.
Today I love my job.